A beautiful acknowledgement of grief

Very grateful to Sue Holden for posting this on FB today and for making this point about the article:

“A very good article but for one thing about denial. Not many people deny what is lost as intellectually they know what has happened and there may be no going back. Initially I think disbelief is a better description. The heart cannot believe what had just happened, the mind can understand. A typical conflict that leads to the ‘freeze'”.  Thanks, Sue!

It’s very timely for me.  As some of you know, I’m going through a break up.  It was my choice but J definitely didn’t want it to end and he still doesn’t.  So I’ve had to be very firm.   The whole experience, though, is leaving me with some very sour tastes in my mouth and I feel hurt, sad and confused by the ‘farewell’ he gave me (he left me with bills to pay – I am complicit, I wasn’t firm enough with him when it came to money, too busy trying to be ‘kind’ and ‘spiritual’ and not using my common sense.  Lesson learned).  But mostly I’m noticing a huge sense of relief to be out of it and out of his drama and my body and spirit feel fabulously light and free and there is a sense of cohesion, internally.

BUT.

I’m noticing a tendency to want to ‘be done with it’, to ‘move on’, to ‘put it to bed’ etc etc, but I forget that my body has its own time scale for dealing with these things.  And so the bloody thing keeps coming up and biting me on the ass.   I’ll be doing something and then the memory of a note he left will pop into my head and I’m filled with fury.  And sometimes I don’t want to flaming well ‘be’ with it, I want it to fuck off and leave me alone and if that’s the best that I can do in the moment then that’s great (I just needed to remind myself of that).  Noticing that I am filled with fury and want it to fuck off is great mindfulness 😉

But then, I also KNOW that the only way to stop it from continuing to poison me (because ultimately, that’s all that bitterness and resentment will do) is to open up to it (AAGGGHHH) and to get right into the middle of the feelings and sensations of fury, doing my best not to fuel either by gathering evidence of his misdemeanours with my thinking mind and that, in this way (softly, softly – when I’m ready), in this way there will be dilution and everything gets to move through rather than remaining stuck, or even worse, buried.

I also know how frustrating that is to read when there is just no desire to ‘be’ with anything, there’s just a desire to dull, lessen, inhibit.  I have a lifetime of using those behaviours and I speak from experience when I say that yes, sometimes that’s our best and we can honour that, but that also we are putting off the inevitable and all that’s required in this moment is the willingness to STOP turning away from the pain.  Just the willingness – the rest will follow, even if that willingness is only for a second.

And don’t think that I’m sat here being all blinking Zen all the time, I’m not.  No, no, no.  In fact I’ve come back onto this post and edited it from yesterday, because yesterday I mostly wanted to throw the bloody computer against the wall, and the writing reflected that.  But today is a new day.   And that’s not the case today.  Everything changes.  This poo shall pass.

Thanks for listening x

7 thoughts on “A beautiful acknowledgement of grief

  1. All will be well. Baby steps. Please don’t throw the computer against the wall as I’m just getting used to you communcating more on social media 😩. Interesting read on Grief. Something none of us can avoid. HUG.

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  2. So, being Zen like now, how marvellous! You are alive and living , you have feelings which are informing you, be curious.
    Realistically, you are grieving. Your feelings are normal and a natural reaction to loss of an emotional nature and familiar patterns of behaviour. Sit with your feelings, own them. Don’t let anyone else tell you how to feel. They do not know as your feelings and your grief is unique to you. Don’t listen to any of the myths of grief, that is don’t be sad, grieve alone, replace the loss, time heals, be strong or keep busy.
    Grief almost always has undelivered emotional communications which need to be completed to and by yourself. All the things that you wish had been done or said differently, better or more before the relationship ended. May I suggest you write a short letter to J but do not send it , let him see it or know about it. This is just for you to complete and deliver the unsaid emotional communications,just saying there are some things I need to say and list about 3 forgivenesses, 3 apologies and 3 significant emotional statements. Note that with forgiveness it is not about condoning any behaviours or saying you are right I am wrong. It is about saying I forgive you for being an arsehole, you still are one but I am not going to let that affect me anymore. You are forgiving yourself for being drawn in to their world and choosing to be affected by it. Finish with I have to go now or I need to let go and leave you now. Goodbye and this word is most important. Find a friend to listen to this letter, read it out loud and they must not respond, comment, judge, analyse criticise or anything. All they may give you is tissues and a hug. Hope this helps! If you want to contact me to chat further let me know but am on a silent retreat next week. Xx
    P.s thanks for the credit in your blog

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  3. Kim, the last sentence of this is hilarious – “this poo shall pass”. That is comedy and truth genius. I am writing it on the blackboard in my kitchen as it will make me laugh. You’re so honest and it’s so refreshing to read. x

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    1. Ha! If only I could claim it as mine! But it’s not, of course. I picked up it from a fabulous friend some years back. Love it though. And I heard this once too, that I loved: This too shall pass, sometimes like a kidney stone, but it will pass….
      Love to you xx

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  4. Dear Kim
    I have been thinking so much about your post and the depth of your feelings. Of course we only walk in other folks moccasins and can’t feel what you are feeling, but, for sure it’s easier to look after others than oneself. You have given so much to so many . As one of the team serene who feels so much gratitude and affection for the experience you have provided, I so want you to find contentment.
    Does J know who you are and that you have a serene army behind you? How’s that for an image?
    Don’t grieve a fantasy future life either…Zen is now as you have always told me..
    I read a couple of quotes that might ‘speak to you’ :
    ‘ you have worked too hard on your happiness to be affected by people and things that don’t understand the energy and time you’ve put into yourself’..
    (I was once told to replay distressing scenarios back in my head in black and white with the sound turned down. It dimmed the emotional rawness for me…)
    You’ll laugh at this one;
    A wise woman said to me ‘ fuck this shit ‘ and she lived happily ever after….
    Keep taking care of yourself
    So much love to you
    Janexxx

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