“A very good article but for one thing about denial. Not many people deny what is lost as intellectually they know what has happened and there may be no going back. Initially I think disbelief is a better description. The heart cannot believe what had just happened, the mind can understand. A typical conflict that leads to the ‘freeze'”. Thanks, Sue!
It’s very timely for me. As some of you know, I’m going through a break up. It was my choice but J definitely didn’t want it to end and he still doesn’t. So I’ve had to be very firm. The whole experience, though, is leaving me with some very sour tastes in my mouth and I feel hurt, sad and confused by the ‘farewell’ he gave me (he left me with bills to pay – I am complicit, I wasn’t firm enough with him when it came to money, too busy trying to be ‘kind’ and ‘spiritual’ and not using my common sense. Lesson learned). But mostly I’m noticing a huge sense of relief to be out of it and out of his drama and my body and spirit feel fabulously light and free and there is a sense of cohesion, internally.
I’m noticing a tendency to want to ‘be done with it’, to ‘move on’, to ‘put it to bed’ etc etc, but I forget that my body has its own time scale for dealing with these things. And so the bloody thing keeps coming up and biting me on the ass. I’ll be doing something and then the memory of a note he left will pop into my head and I’m filled with fury. And sometimes I don’t want to flaming well ‘be’ with it, I want it to fuck off and leave me alone and if that’s the best that I can do in the moment then that’s great (I just needed to remind myself of that). Noticing that I am filled with fury and want it to fuck off is great mindfulness 😉
But then, I also KNOW that the only way to stop it from continuing to poison me (because ultimately, that’s all that bitterness and resentment will do) is to open up to it (AAGGGHHH) and to get right into the middle of the feelings and sensations of fury, doing my best not to fuel either by gathering evidence of his misdemeanours with my thinking mind and that, in this way (softly, softly – when I’m ready), in this way there will be dilution and everything gets to move through rather than remaining stuck, or even worse, buried.
I also know how frustrating that is to read when there is just no desire to ‘be’ with anything, there’s just a desire to dull, lessen, inhibit. I have a lifetime of using those behaviours and I speak from experience when I say that yes, sometimes that’s our best and we can honour that, but that also we are putting off the inevitable and all that’s required in this moment is the willingness to STOP turning away from the pain. Just the willingness – the rest will follow, even if that willingness is only for a second.
And don’t think that I’m sat here being all blinking Zen all the time, I’m not. No, no, no. In fact I’ve come back onto this post and edited it from yesterday, because yesterday I mostly wanted to throw the bloody computer against the wall, and the writing reflected that. But today is a new day. And that’s not the case today. Everything changes. This poo shall pass.
Thanks for listening x